Speaking of things getting worse....

Okay, the story I'm about to tell will be VERY long, and VERY complicated, so I'll start with telling you the background. And I'm 17 now, just so you can follow the years easily.

My parents have been divorced since I was 5 (like 12 years), but they have always lived close to each other (not more than 30 km away) and me and my 3 years younger brother used to move between them  every second week.
However, when I was about 10 or something dad met a new woman (who had a daughter 4 years younger than me from an earlier relationship), which he married 5 years ago. At the beginning everything went fine, and we were all like one big, happy family. But soon after they got married, dads new wife started to get more and more bitchy towards me and my brother, and we felt more and more unwanted there, even though we knew dad wanted us there no matter what. I think that made him more and more stressed, and he got angry very easy. Since my brother also is easily enraged, the two of them had fights very often, and one day my brother had had enough, and moved to mum to live there all the time, instead of moving between them, which we had been doing until then. That was in the winter like 2-3 years ago I think.

In the spring the following year, My mum and I had gone on a ski vacation, just the two of us, and that turned out to be a catastrophe. We had fights all the time, and at the train home I decided to live with dad. Said and done, I packed my stuff and moved. Me and my brother lived like that for a while, just meting the other parent every second weekend, until summer break that year. At summer breaks we have always live 3 weeks with one parent, and then 3 weeks with the other, and did so this year as well.

During the last year, my mum had began with cycling, with a real road bike and stuff, and when I lived with her that summer we went out on a tour in the sun, and I fell for the sport and started to exercise on a regular basis. Now I changed my mind completely, and wanted to move back to mum. The only problem was that mum thought that when we lived with both of our parents, dad didn't take responsibility for us at all (like following us to the dentist and stuff) so she told me that I had to chose. Due to me being in love with the cycling sport I chose to live with mum, and just visit dad every second weekend. And that's where we are today. Except for the fact that I hardly ever go cycling anymore.

Due to my mums job, she has to go abroad every now and then, and when she does, we live with dad. That is the situation this week, and me and my brother lives with dad, his wife and her daughter, and also their little son, who's 3 years old.

Now to the problem. Dad makes no secret over his sorrow over us living with mum, and I do understand him. While I love my mum very much, I know that she can be very egoistic and greedy, even though she may seem kind on the outside. Dad on the other hand is very easily enraged, but genuinely kind and caring. He seriously has got to be one of the most un-egoistic and caring people I know. The fact that I have come to realize this later makes all this even more painful. Dad doesn't deserve this life. Abandoned by his children, living with an egoistic bitch as a wife and seem to be generally unhappy. The only time I see him laugh and smile nowadays is either when he's with his brothers, or when me and my brother jokes with him the way we've always done. Though, when we do, his wife is always interrupting and taking it all serious and ruins everything. I seriously doubt he's happy together with her. But I hope he is, because he deserves all the happiness in this world.

The problem with all this is that I, more than anything, want to spend more time with him, but, as I mentioned, mum don't want me to live with both of them, and it's too much trouble moving every second week. And since I live with mum at the moment, and since it's much more comfortable with only having to care about two other people and not five, I've just continued living with mum.

The solution to my problem may seem obvious, but keep in mind that I love the both of them incredibly much, and choosing just one is impossible. I seriously don't know what to do. All I want is to be able to live alone, in an apartment somewhere, but I won't turn 18 until October 27th, and living alone is expensive. And I can't hide the fact that I probably won't make it either. Then I won't be able to live with any of my parents, and I really want to spend more time with them. Both of them. I guess I'm not ready to move out just yet, and I doubt that I will be in half a year. My time will come, but I think it will take a while.

I don't think anyone will read all this, and I didn't write it for someone to read it either. I just had to get it off my heart. And it's a very personal subject, so I'm not very confident in posting it here. I've never even spoken to anyone about it, except for mentioning it to my girlfriend once. Oh well. Hope you understand my problem and not only think I'm a spoiled brat. Which I probably am.

Long post is long.
Good night.